In Loving Memory

"Just like a fire needs fuel to burn, so too does a memory need a past to exist.  The burning within my heart will only diminish when my memory of her is occupied by the loving presence of another. 

Just like you have to inhabit a reality often found in the dreams that wake you from your sleep.  A dream where the vision is as narrowly understood as the stupor of sudden awakeness.

Within this blur of confusion, clarity is as instant as the epiphany that haunts the memory of a dream."
                                                     
                                                                                            Excerpt from The Book of Curthom


This is one of many entries from The Book of Curthom, which tells the story of waiting for love for over three decades and then once finding it, the consequences of loving with all of your heart and soul.  The Book of Curthom contains love quotes, love letters to the one true love, and speaks of a shy love that was forbidden by society, yet went on to consumate a collection of timeless short love poems that have endeared the loving memory of a time that may never return.

The Economic Bandage Called Hyundai

Hyundai, the forward thinking South Korean Automotive Conglomerate knows what ails the American Economy and that is a need to inspire the American Consumer into consuming again. Hyundai, is offering American Consumers an opportunity to return their new Hyundai's in the event they lose their jobs without any eventual consequences to their credit.

Hyundai's Assurance Program applies to any New Hyundai purchase and is available to anyone, regardless of age, your health or employment history. Even if you are upside down on your New Hyundai when you give it back due to you losing your job. The Hyundai Assurance Program covers up to $7,500 of negative equity. It also covers if you become physically disabled, or lose your driver's license due to some physical impairment. It covers if you are transferred by your employer outside of the United States and it also covers you if you are self-employed and have to file for bankruptcy and it even covers. Lord Forbid, in the event of accidental death! You can get more information about Hyundai's Assurance Program here.

If, you aren't already impressed by Hyundai's Marketing Strategy, you may be pleased to know that Hyundai was the first automobile manufacturer to offer American Consumers a 10-Year, 100,000 mile warranty. Hyundai's 10-Year, 100,000 mile warranty help sway the American car buyer to see the South Korean Automaker as a viable alternative to purchasing an American car. Hyundai has steadily increased its market share in America since investing $1 Billion building an automotive plant in Montgomery, Alabama in 2002. Hyundai's commitment to the America automotive market and its host of groundbreaking practices such as "America's Best Warranty," its 10-Year, 100,000 mile Warranty Program, The Hyundai Assurance Program, was enough to change the thinking of more than one American Auto Manufacturer. You can get more information here about Hyundai's Warranty Program. Hyundai appears to be on a roll, in that it has also won many awards regarding the quality of their automotive construction in "Initial Quality Tests Study" by J.D. Power & Associates. Indeed Hyundai has come a very long way from its initial build quality that most Americans associate with the South Korea Automobile Maker. To read more about Hyundai's J.D. Power & Associate Report on "initial Quality Tests," go here.

How would you like to lock in the price of gasoline for an entire year? Well, if you buy a New Hyundai, you will lock in the price of gasoline at the price of $1.49 for the year. It's Hyundai's Assurance Gas Lock Program. The Assurance Gas Lock Program even includes leased Hyundai vehicles. The Hyundai Assurance Gas Lock Program runs from July 1, 2009 until August 31, 2009, so if you're interested in some of the best guarantees in the Automotive Industry, now is the time to go and make your purchase.

When you purchase a New Hyundai automobile you will get a special card that will give you the ability to purchase gas at $1.49 a gallon. The Hyundai Assurance Gas Lock Program Card will enable to get about 600 gallons of fuel, equivalent to driving about 12, 000 miles according to the Redwood City, California, the technology and risk management company PriceLock. New Hyundai Car Purchasers will be able to use the Hyundai PriceLock Assurance Gas Lock Card anywhere credit cards are accepted in the United States.

No matter what the gas price is when you use your Hyundai PriceLock Assurance Gas Lock Card, PriceLock pays whatever the gas price is and PriceLock collects the difference from Hyundai and you are only charged $1.49 per gallon for the gas. PriceLock is able to do this using its expertise in the financial and technology markets. PriceLock uses a hedge to lock in the price of gasoline. PriceLock purchases a "call" for gasoline at what it thinks to be a competitive price and locks it in with an options contract that allows it to purchase gasoline at a set price. If, Hyundai has the success that the Chrysler PriceLock Gas Card had for the American automaker back in the summer of 2008, Hyundai could increase sales traffic in their dealerships substantially. You can read more about Hyundai's Assurance Gas Lock Program here.

Veterans Administration Medical Centers & Non-Compliance

"Silence does not halt the truth, no more than the stillness of quiet." Curthom

Today I had an appointment to see my Nephrologist (kidney doctor) and he had just gotten the results from my 5-day stay in a private hospital.  I sat down in his office eagered that there would be good news regarding the series of tests that were done at the non-Veterans Administration facility only to have my kidney doctor chastise me for non-compliance.

My kidney doctor told me that he thought that I may have been non-compliant regarding my healthcare and that he sent me to the emergency room of a local hospital to find out for sure.  Five days later, after a number of studies and 3 times as much medications and increased dosages of the usual medications, I'm discharged sicker than when I was admitted to the hospital.

The new medications to include a pill for diabetes and syringe-induced insulin five times per day, did nothing to help with my spirits, yet the doctors say that I'm getting better.  I don't quite understand the doctors interpretation of my getting better, when my medications weigh in about 3 lbs for a 30-day supply and I'm taking more than 23 pills per day, excluding the insulin routine that I take before each meal, at 9p.m. and 2 a.m. in the morning.

I sat in the kidney doctor's office this morning to hear him tell me that the private hospital Nephrologist concurs with him that my problem was non-compliance.  When I ask what he and the other kidney doctor meant by a diagnosis of non-compliance, he could explain or even define what he meant, yet he was certain that I was non-compliant.  I asked him once again how could he state that I was non-compliant when he couldn't even explain it to me.  He told me quickly with a smirk on his face that he was just the messenger.  I thought to myself how could he be just the messenger when he told me earlier that he concurred with the private hospital diagnosis.

I was admitted to a private hospital for a problem that the Veterans Administration Medical Clinic states they were unable to control because they said I was non-compliant, a loosely-defined way of implying that you're not following their instructions or taking the medications that their prescribing to you.  The reality is that they increased the dosage and frequency of three of my medications and they put me on four new medications while in the private hospital and discharge me feeling sicker than when I went in the hospital.

If, taking 3 times my usual dosage more times a day means that I'm non-compliant, I guess I meet their operational definition of being non-compliant.  If, taking four new medications religiously, because my life depends on it means that I'm non-compliant, I guess I meet that operational definition for non-compliance too!
If, asking for medication refills weeks before they run out, I guess I'm non-compliant.  The automated prescription refill doesn't allow you to request a refill that early, even though you won't see your Primary Care Doctor for anther 6 to 8 weeks.

If, requesting a medication refill, even though your medication bottle states that you have no more refills available and you discuss it with your doctor a month or so before you run out, and your doctor tells you that they're not sure if they are going to keep you on that medication or that dosage and they'll decide after they see how you're doing on it means I'm non-compliant, I guess I hit the jackpot.  When I finally have one weeks of medication left with a prescription with no more refills and the automated prescription refill system that the Veterans Administration has set up doesn't allow me to reorder, but sends me to another automated system for making a doctor's appointment.

When I finally get through the automated appointment line and are routed to an actual human being to make a doctor's appointment to get a prescription refilled I asked for weeks ago, but the system told me it can't renew the prescription because it was too early or that there were no more active refills, the human being on the appointment line chastises me for waiting till the last minute to refill my prescription and tells me that I should take my medication as prescribed and calls me back a few hours later telling me that the doctor wants to see me before they fill my prescription.

When I walk into the Veterans Administration Medical Clinic without an appointment in order to go through their Triage System to be sorted out, the Unit Clerk tells me that I should have made an appointment and that he doesn't know if the doctor will be able to see me today, since I don't have an appointment.  When I called the automated appointment line and got a human being, I was told that they wouldn't be able to schedule an appointment for me for four to six weeks, but the doctor wants to see me today, so I should walk in.

Time lingers like the smoke of popcorn left too long in a microwave as I wait and wait and wait, my bladder bursting for relief, as I dare not go to the bathroom, lest someone call my name and I miss my chance at seeing the doctor that day.  I wait so long in fact that when my name is finally called, it comes as a surprise that somebody actually knows my name.

The tone of the nurse doesn't sound too encouraging when she mutters out, "So, you're out of medicine again" matter of factly, she asks?  I tell her that I have a few pills left, only to read her expression and gather that she is not pleased that I'm increasing her workload at that hour.  She takes my blood pressure and tells me that my blood pressure is always high and that I must not be taking the medications the doctor is giving me and notes something on her piece of paper and walks out the room.

The doctor comes in the room sometime later and tells me that my blood pressure is high and spends the next 10 to 12 minutes typing into a desktop computer and takes a look at me before telling me to go over to Pharmacy and pick my medications up and next time, don't let them run out.  She orders for a Nursing Intervention in about two weeks for me to return and have my blood pressure checked again.  I get up and check out at the front desk where the Unit Clerk is busing doing paperwork.  He looks up to glance at me and tells me that I'm all set and I walk over to Pharmacy where the wait time is about one and a half hour, which is a small price to pay, when you are one of the 49 million Americans without health insurance and your pre-existing  military-induced, medical condition makes you uninsurable!  This is the struggle that every man and woman in America faces at some point in their continuum for health care and for those who served our country honorable, the battles you may have faced in the military without getting yourself killed, is nothing compared to the battle you'll face with the Veterans Administration when it comes to your healthcare. Some of their staff are quick to put a label on you that sticks because they write it down and your only defense is that your life depends on your compliance, even when it makes you sicker!


P.S.  I leave you with a short saying from Curthom, my name consolidated.  It's amazing how much time you have to reflect about your life, when you're in a hospital, suspended between overmedication and medicated.

"There are things spoken and there are things left unspoken and between speaking and having spoke, is the truth."  Curthom

Emergency Room and Admittance To Hospital

I went to my appointment with the Nephrologist, a doctor who specializes in kidney function issues at the Veterans Administration Medical Clinic and before the hour passed I saw the Nephrologist.   He looked into my eyes with one of those eye scopes and jumped back quickly.  I turned quickly to look over my shoulder to see what had frighten him.  To my surprise there was no one behind me.  What happened next was a bit surreal when the doctor told me that I may lose my vision, because when he stated that my optic nerve which is at the base of the back of your eye is swollen.

I asked him what would cause such a condition and he told me that it is generally caused by too much pressure within the skull.  A case oftentimes of too much pressure on the brain and no where for that pressure to go.  Medically it is called, Papillary Edema.  The doctor had the nurse called for ambulance while he finished charting notes to send to the emergency room with me.  Meanwhile, I sat quietly reeling in the shock of it all and how the outcome if any, would unfold.  Sometime later the ambulance arrived and transported me to the emergency room and that was just the threshold of what was to follow.  The minutes became hours and the hours gave way to days, while I went into and out of consciousness of the environment around me.  During those brief periods of consciousness, here what I remember. 

The color of my sputum, like a barometer told me in advance how my week would turn out if I didn't intervene.  The texture of my bowel movements of lack of movements told me how my day was going to unfold, if I ignored it.  From the bouts of nausea, the constant poking and prodding of one medication after another, procedure after procedure, I came into the consciousness of understanding that life is as fragile as illness is scarring, both physically and mentally. 

As permanent as death is, there should be an alternative to suffering as ther is a temporary solution for pain.  Everything returns, illness, scarring, suffering and pain.  Even death returns to haunt the memory of those still living.  You chose the neagative or the positive memories that haunt the living, by your actions or lack of actions, your attitude and your kindness while you endure the finalitiy of it all. 

Resurrection

"Every night I die. Every day I'm resurrected. Between night and day, my days are filled with drama and my evenings are flashbacks of the day!" Excerpt from "The Book of Curthom."


I'll interpret the excerpt from "The Book of Curthom." "Every night I die." Curthom has cancer and he doesn't want to own up to it, so he is in the denial phase. He was diagnosed with adrenal cancer 7 years ago. The adrenal glands are above the kidneys and help to control your blood pressure and heart rate. Uncontrolled, the adrenal glands can cause you to blow out your left ventricle, which is the pump part of your heart.

"Every night I die." Curthom knows that his days on this earth are numbered with each beat of his heart, he knows that it subtracts from his lifespan. He is afraid to lay down and go to sleep because he knows he may not wake up the next morning. The inability to sleep when he finally does pass out from being awake so many hours, leads to periods of sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is the disorder that when you sleep you snore and while snoring, you stopped breathing, which dangerously raises your blood pressure to the point of almost having or having a stroke.
So, every night Curthom feels as if, he is dying, because he is uncertain if he will wake up or not the following morning.

"Every day I'm resurrected." "First, I see the stars and seconds later, I see the light and moments later, I can see my surroundings." Waking up, Curthom realizes that he has been giving another day of life. "With a heavy head, I squint my eyes from the pain of the light around me and the migraines that rule my day." He wakes up with a debilitating headache and burning eyes. He is grateful for another day of living, but knows that in order to get through the day, "each step is like the Grand Canyon, so I walk like seagull on hot sand." For the first few hours of his day, he is bothered by the migraines, probably caused by the sleep apnea, high blood pressure and lack of sleep, and finds it challenging standing and walking.


From my first reading of "The Book of Curthom," I have always tried to understand the underlying meanings and the era in which the excerpt was written. I have spent considerable time applying the teachings from "The Book of Curthom," which is not really a book in general circulation, to my life and have benefited greatly in my understanding of life in general.

I don't think that "The Book of Curthom" was written for any specific audience, but rather as a diary of sort of the human condition and how we as humans react to those conditions. Like many writings of the "Ancients," nothing was really written down until someone with the fortitude and passion for sharing what they had learned, committed their understanding to papyrus, wood, stone or paper.

From my own personal experience, much of "The Book of Curthom," exists within the personal narratives of living out in the country of swampy Carolinas, the plains of Wyoming and Idaho, the coast of Portugal, urban London, the flagrant harbor off China and the jungles of Southeast Asia. There is probably nothing new in the book, but the way the book goes on to express incidents in time, is worth reading.

Perhaps one fine day, I shall capture the place and time of "The Book of Curthom" and commit it to digital, so that the whole world can read it online. It is an ambition that I am going to do one post at a time. That is the beauty of life you know. You can have time or you can have something else in your life that occupies your time to the point where you don't have any time.
However we interact with time, keep in mind that we can never replace it. We can use time to do many things, but we can never go back in time and do something, so make sure however you spend your time, make sure that it leads to positive memories.

"Between night and day, my days are filled with drama and my evenings are flashbacks of the day." Curthom goes through each day negotiating between what he is experiencing and the stresses associated with that experience. The medical appointments, the tests, the treatments, the procedures, the surgeries, and the prognosis. A never ending saga of good news, bad news, lies, betrayals and the memories of each event conveniently played back enough times to exhaust any waking thought.

"The Book of Curthom" is a book of resurrection. It is a book of faith. It is a book of hope. It is a book of redemption at the expense of political correctness and exposes the hypocrisy that we have accepted as the "norm." If, you believe that life is as real as dirt and that we all get dirty sometimes, then you will find a lot of life in "The Book of Curthom," an enlightening read. So, until next time, look for excerpts from "The Book of Curthom," in upcoming posts.

Stem Cell Research

Today, the President Obama reversed an earlier decision by former President Bush, to federally fund research for Stem Cells. President Obama's decision to federally fund Stem Cell Research is controversial and puts the ethics of Stem Cell Research, front and center in the debate about the pros and cons of Stem Cell Research. What are Stem Cells, what are the advantages to Stem Cells and why should we care? Stems Cells are cells that come from humans or animals that have the amazing ability to be themselves, Stem Cells, or take on the characteristics of another cell, say a muscle cell, blood cell or even a brain cell. There are basically two types of Stem Cells, Embryonic Stem Cells, the one type we hear so much about in the media, and Adult Stem Cells. The essential difference between the two is that the Embryonic Stem Cells are taken from mice for research, but can also be harvested from a baby's umbilical cord or bone marrow. Adult Stem cells are generally taken from a persons tissue and organs.

What does federal funding of Stem Cell Research mean to the average American and the country as a whole? For many of us who are in declining health, it's kind of like the "Holy Grail and the Fountain of Youth," all wrapped into one, if the research is as promising as it has been reported. Stem Cells that could rejuvenate the dying cells and organs in our bodies. Think of the limitless opportunities to dream a dream without boundaries. I certainly could use a few more brain cells, as so many brain cells have died since I was in college. My father who has Alzheimer Disease and no longer recognizes me when I go to visit him at the Assisted Living Center, could possibly benefit too, from renewable brain cells.

No matter what your chronic disease, illness or affliction, if we all hang in there, we may see some mental, physiological and physical relief within our lifetime. There would be no stopping us from alleviating sickness as we know it and giving everyone on the Planet, a chance at bettering their circumstances. If, only those who oppose us could dream a hopeful future too! There are as many arguments against Stem Cell Research as there are arguments for Stem Cell Research. I guess it really comes down to how healthy you are now, and in some way, that will shape your views on whether you view Stem Cell Research as being good or bad. If, you are in excellent health, you probably don't give a "royal flush" about Stem Cell Research, but if you are afflicted with something that affects your health, then you might want to see some Stem Cell Research, even if most people you know disagree with you. I think what we will find are public views about Stem Cell Research and private views about how we feel about Stem Cell Research and only our heart and "Our Creator" knows for sure.

There are Religious Special Interest Groups, who say "we are trying to play God." There are the "shareholder elites," who would dread the loss of demand for their pharmaceuticals and their falling share prices and profits. There are those who are too sick, too far along according to their health care workers to benefit from such promising research and treatment. There are the long line of skeptics who would trip up the ambitions of those ailing for a cure to what troubles them now. There are so many entrenched interests for Stem Cell Research and so many feverish groups who are against Stem Cell Research, that quite possibly, nothing gets done and no new discovery's are made. No matter how the American Public debates the merits or lack of merits of Stem Cell Research, like many of us, I hope it brings down the prices of some of my prescription medications, if no new treatments are not to be had.